You Slap Me Again Im Gonna Throw You a Beating
Editors' notation: This article was first published in impress in 1994. This digitized version has since been updated to remove offensive lines. A version of this commodity appears in our 2019 'Love Messages to Texas' collector's outcome.
Common as cornbread, sometime equally clay, funny as all get-out—homespun expressions link modern Texans to our rural and agricultural past, conveying the resolute spirit and plainspoken sense of humour of our heroes and pioneers. Some sayings are instantly familiar because our parents or grandparents quoted them; others parallel the indisputable wisdom of biblical proverbs or Poor Richard's Almanac; plenty just make us express mirth. We asked twelve renowned artists to illustrate their favorite Texas sayings, and we present likewise a sample of other axioms and adages mutual to the state—a collection of sayings as big as all hell and one-half of Texas.
Adequate
It'south ameliorate than a poke in the heart with a sharp stick.
That'southward close plenty for authorities piece of work.
Might besides. Can't dance, never could sing, and it's likewise wet to plow.
I could sit down even so for that.
You can't beat that with a stick.
Boastful
He tin can strut sitting downwardly.
He's all chapeau and no cattle.
She's all gurgle and no guts.
He chamber-of-commerced information technology.
Dishonest
He's on a starting time-name basis with the lesser of the deck.
So crooked that if he swallowed a blast he'd spit up a corkscrew.
Then crooked y'all can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.
He knows more ways to accept your money than a roomful of lawyers.
Crooked as a dog's hind leg.
Crooked as the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More twists than a pretzel manufacturing plant.
Crooked as a butt of fish hooks.
And so kleptomaniacal he has to unscrew his britches at night.
She's more slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He's slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn't trust him whatsoever further than I tin throw him.
Honest
If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
You can take that to the banking concern.
You can hang your hat on it.
You can bet the farm on it.
He'south so honest y'all could shoot craps with him over the telephone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, yous can look under her wing for the tin can.
Brave
Brave equally the first man who ate an oyster.
Brave equally a bigamist.
Brave enough to consume in a boomtown cafe.
He's double-backboned.
He's got more guts than you could hang on a argue.
He'd shoot craps with the devil himself.
She'd charge hell with a saucepan of ice h2o.
Argumentative, Mad
She could start a fight in an empty house.
He'd fence with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a chunk under it.
He's the just hell his mama e'er raised.
He's got his tail up.
She's in a horn-tossing mood.
She's so contrary she floats upwards-stream.
She'southward dancing in the hog trough.
He'll tell you how the moo-cow ate the cabbage.
Timid
He stays in the shadow of his mama's apron.
If he was melted downwards, he couldn't be poured into a fight.
He'south first cousin to Moses Rose.
He wouldn't bite a biscuit.
He's yellow equally mustard but without the seize with teeth.
He may not be a craven, but he has his henhouse ways.
Dry out
And then dry the birds are edifice their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry out the catfish are carrying canteens.
So dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
So dry my duck don't know how to swim.
Information technology'due south been dry so long, we but got a quarter-inch of rain during Noah'due south Flood.
And so dry I'm spitting cotton fiber.
Dry as a pulverization house.
Dry out equally the middle of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Busy
He's so decorated you'd call back he was twins.
They're doing a country-office concern.
Busy as a one-legged man at an donkey-kick convention.
Decorated equally a funeral home fan in July.
Decorated equally a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
Decorated as a one-armed paperhanger.
Busy as a stump-tailed balderdash in fly season.
Decorated equally a hound in flea season.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and turn the s 40 before breakfast.
Got to go dorsum to my rat killing.
She's jumping like hot grease (or h2o) on a skillet.
Panting like a lizard on a hot stone.
No grass growing under her feet.
Unsophisticated
Only cruel off the turnip (watermelon, white potato) truck.
He's and then country he thinks a 7-course meal is a possum and a half-dozen-pack.
They lived so far out in the country that the sun set between their firm and boondocks.
Capable, Experienced
She'southward got some snap in her garters.
He'southward got enough of arrows in his quiver.
She'due south got horse sense.
He's got plenty of notches on his gun.
She'south a correct smart windmill fixer.
He could detect a whisper in a cyclone.
There'south no slack in her rope.
He's a three-jump cowboy.
He tin can ride the rough cord.
If she crows, the dominicus is upwardly.
This ain't my first rodeo.
General Communication
Pigs become fat; hogs get slaughtered.
A worm is the only animal that can't autumn down.
Never sign nothing past neon.
Just considering a chicken has wings don't mean it tin wing.
Go on your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
You tin't get lard unless you boil the squealer.
If you cut your ain firewood, information technology'll warm you twice.
There'due south more than i way to break a dog from sucking eggs.
Give me the salary without the sizzle.
Don't hang your launder on someone else's line.
Practice God's will, any the hell it may exist.
Lick that calf again? (Say what?)
Why shear a pig?
Don't snap my garters.
A guilty fox hunts his own hole.
Quit hollering downwards the rain.
Don't rile the wagon master.
Improve to keep your mouth shut and seem a fool than to open up information technology and remove all doubtfulness.
The barn door'south open and the mule's trying to run. (Your fly's down.)
Don't get all het up about it.
In that location'due south a big deviation betwixt the ox and the whiffletree.
At that place'southward no tree but bears some fruit.
Peel your own buffalo.
You lot better throw a sop to the dogs.
Don't squat on your spurs.
Any mule's tail can grab cockleburs.
A drought usually ends with a overflowing.
If you lie downward with dogs, you get upwards with fleas.
A lean domestic dog runs fast.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Celebratory
Let's shoot out the lights.
We'll pigment the town and the front porch.
Let's hallelujah the county.
Put the little pot in the large pot.
Throw your hat over the windmill.
I'll be there with bells on.
I'll wear my Lord's day-go-to-meeting clothes.
He's all gussied upwards.
Big
Fat as a boardinghouse cat.
Fat as a town canis familiaris.
She's warm in winter, shady in summer.
He don't care what you call him as long as you call him to supper.
So large he looks like he ate his blood brother.
And then big he has to sit down in shifts.
Big as Brewster County.
Large as Dallas.
Big as a Brahma bull.
She'd rather shake than rattle.
He's big enough to acquit hunt with a branch.
He's all spread out like a cold supper.
Broad as two ax handles.
He'll eat annihilation that don't eat him kickoff.
Inexpensive
Tight every bit Dick's hatband.
Tight every bit a tick.
Tight equally a clothesline.
Tight as a dabble string.
Tight as wallpaper.
Tight as a wet boot.
Tight enough to raise a blister.
And then tight he squeaks when he walks.
He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
She has curt arms and deep pockets.
Crazy
He's got a big hole in his screen door.
She's one bubble off plumb.
She's i brick shy of a load.
She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.
He's a few pickles curt of a barrel.
In that location'due south a light or two burned out on his string.
He's missing a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch light's on but no 1's dwelling house.
He's lost his vertical hold.
He's overdrawn at the retentiveness bank.
I hear yous clucking, only I tin can't find your nest.
She's got too many cobwebs in the cranium.
Crazy as a bullbat.
Crazy every bit Larrabee's calf.
Lucky
He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.
He always draws the best bull.
He's riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
He could sit on the fence and the birds would feed him.
Rich
In tall cotton fiber.
Running with the big dogs.
He didn't come up to town two to a mule.
She's got more than than she can say grace over.
So rich they can eat fried craven all week long.
Rich enough to consume her laying hens.
Poor
If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the Oklahoma line.
He'southward so broke he'south disrepair all 10 Commandments.
Poor as a lizard-eating cat.
Hasn't got a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.
And so poor I had a tumbleweed equally a pet.
I ate then many armadillos when I was immature, I still roll up into a ball when I hear a domestic dog bark.
So poor we had to fertilize the sills earlier we could enhance the windows.
Poor as sawmill rats.
He'southward broke as a stick horse.
He's also poor to pay attention.
So poor the wolf won't even stop at their door.
And so poor their Sunday supper is fried water.
Also poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.
Hot
Hot as Hades.
Hot as the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hot as a depot stove.
Hot every bit a ii-dollar pistol.
Hot equally a baton goat in a pepper patch.
Hot as a summer revival.
Hot as a pot of neck bones.
Hot as a stolen tamale.
Hot plenty to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a burning stump.
Hotter than blue blazes.
Hotter than a fur glaze in Marfa.
So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Cold
This is hog-killing weather condition.
In that location'southward only a strand of spinous wire betwixt here and there, and it'due south down (later on a blizzard).
Cold as a well-digger'southward knee joint.
Cold equally a frosted frog.
Cold as an ex-wife's centre.
Cold equally a cast-atomic number 26 commode.
Common cold as a banker'south middle.
Cold as hell with the furnace out.
Sad
I feel lower than a gopher hole.
I experience then low I couldn't jump off a dime.
She eats sorrow by the spoonful.
Yous await like you were sent for and couldn't go.
Sorry enough to bring a tear to a glass eye.
He looks like the cheese vicious off his cracker.
Small, Thin
She's frying size.
He's human knee-high to a grasshopper.
He'd take to stand upward to expect a rattler in the heart.
About as big as the little end of zip.
Half as big as a minute.
No bigger than moles on a chigger.
Scrawny as Ace Reid cattle.
Zero between the horns and hooves but hide.
Thin as a bar's ear.
Sparse as a gnat'south whisker.
Thin as shop-bought thread.
Sparse every bit Depression soup.
Thin every bit a fiddle cord.
Thin as a rake and twice as sexy.
Apartment as a fritter.
Scarce-hipped.
So skinny she has to stand twice to make a shadow.
So skinny you could give her a Big Red and utilise her every bit a thermometer.
So skinny she shades herself nether the clothesline.
Bad, Mean
He's such a liar he'd beat y'all senseless and tell God you cruel off a horse.
He was born sorry.
He'south so low he'd steal the widow'southward ax.
He'd steal his mama's egg money.
He'd steal the flowers off his grandma's grave.
He'd steal the nickels off a dead man'south eyes.
No-business relationship fellow.
Bitter as gall.
Tough equally nickel steak.
Tough every bit stewed skunk.
Tough as whang.
Mean every bit a mama wasp.
Friendly every bit a bramble bush.
She makes a hornet look cuddly.
A she-bear in satin.
Rough as a cob.
He looks like a sheep-killing dog.
He lies similar a tombstone.
He wouldn't scratch his own mama's fleas.
He's got horns holding up his halo.
We're not on borrowing terms.
You're so low you take to look up to encounter hell.
He's so low you couldn't put a rug under him.
He jumped on me with all 4 feet.
A real revolving son of a bitch.
Fast
He jumped on me like a duck on a June bug.
He jumped on me like white on rice.
He can blow out the lamp and jump into bed before information technology gets dark.
He gets there in half less than no fourth dimension.
Quick out of the chute.
Fast as greased lightning.
Fast as modest-boondocks gossip.
Faster than a prairie fire with a tail wind.
Faster than a scalded true cat.
Faster than double-struck lightning.
Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
Going like a business firm afire.
Hell-bent for leather.
Whatever faster and he'd grab upwardly to yesterday.
In a New York infinitesimal.
Strong
His jiff'southward and so strong you could hang out the washing on it.
That java's and so potent it'll put hair on your chest.
Coffee so strong it'll walk into your cup.
Coffee and so potent information technology'll heighten a blood cicatrice on a kicking.
He's so strong he makes Samson expect sensitive.
Inflow/Greetings
Await what the true cat dragged in.
Visitor's coming; add a cup of water to the soup.
We've howdied simply nosotros haven't shook.
Put on your sitting britches.
Let's chaw the rag.
Divergence/Good-goodbye
Allow's light a shuck.
It'due south fourth dimension to heat upwardly the bricks.
It'south time to put the chairs in the railroad vehicle.
It's time to swap spit and hit the route.
Information technology'southward fourth dimension to put out the fire and call in the dogs.
He'southward heading for the wagon thou.
Let'southward accident this pop stand.
That virtually puts the rag on the bush-league.
Church is out.
That's all she wrote.
Patience
Hot volition cool if greedy volition let information technology.
Accept a tater and wait.
Don't get your panties in a wad.
Wash off your state of war paint.
Tired
Looks like she's been chewed upward, spit out, and stepped on.
Looks like she was rode hard and put away wet.
She looks similar chewed twine.
He looks like Bowser's bone.
I was born tired and I've since suffered a relapse.
One wheel down and the axle dragging.
I'm nearly about by going.
Sick
He'south got a hitch in his gitalong.
Sick as a domestic dog passing peach pits.
All stove up.
I'1000 so sick I'd have to become better to dice.
Sore as a boil.
Her hopper's busted.
As total of pains as an onetime window.
I've got the green apple nasties.
He looks similar death warmed over.
So sick he needs two beds.
Pitiful as a 3-legged domestic dog.
Talkative
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hide off a moo-cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his rima oris so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
He's got a ten-gallon mouth.
She speaks x words a second, with gusts to l.
Her tongue is plumb drained.
She'south got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth.
She beats her own gums to death.
He blew in on his own wind.
He'south a live lexicon.
He's a chin musician.
She has a bong clapper instead of a natural language.
He was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.
Nervous
All cut up like a boardinghouse pit.
Smile like a mule eating cockleburs.
Nervous as a pregnant jenny.
Nervous every bit a fly in the gum pot.
Nervous as a woodshed waiter.
She's chewing her bit.
Circumspection
You were likewise hard to raise to take chances.
Don't dig up more snakes than you lot tin can impale.
Whistle before you walk into a stranger'south army camp.
Don't turn likewise close to the cotton.
A expressionless snake can even so bite.
A expressionless bee tin can still sting.
Don't tip over the outhouse.
Putdowns
Fifty-fifty a blind hog can discover an acorn in one case in a while.
Anytime you happen to pass my house, I'd sure appreciate information technology.
What did you lot practice with the money your mama gave you for singing lessons?
Were you raised in a barn?
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Fifty-fifty the chickens under the porch know that.
You smell like you lot want to be left alone.
Go peddle your ain produce.
Go cork your pistol.
If you break your leg, don't come running to me.
Whatever greases your wagon.
Problem
Got a big hole in the fence.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the wrong wagon.
They hung the incorrect equus caballus thief.
He ripped his britches.
At that place's a yellowjacket in the outhouse.
Wasting Time
Preaching to the choir.
Burning daylight.
Arguing with a wooden Indian.
Whistling up the current of air.
Hollering down a well.
Vain
He broke his arm patting himself on the back.
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he'll bring.
She'south so spoiled table salt couldn't salve her.
She'southward then spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
Drunk/Drinking
He wasn't born, just squeezed out of a bartender's rag.
Drunker than who shot John.
Snot-slinging boozer.
Drunk as Cooter Brown.
Drunk every bit a skunk.
Don't chop any wood this evening; Daddy's coming dwelling with a load.
Tighter than bark on a log.
I've got the whistlebelly thumps and skull cramps. (A hangover.)
Calling for Earl. (Throwing up.)
Jugging and jawing.
Commode-hugging, knee-walking drunk.
Desolate
Looks like hell with everyone out to lunch.
Out where the buses don't run.
Dead
Buzzard bait.
He gave upwardly his guitar for a harp.
He ate a biting pill.
Unwelcome
Every bit welcome as an egg-sucking domestic dog.
As welcome every bit an outhouse cakewalk.
Equally welcome as screwworm.
As welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony.
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn political party.
As welcome as a wet shoe.
As welcome as a tornado on a trail bulldoze.
Easy
No colina for a stepper.
Slick as a whistle.
Easy as pie.
Difficult
Like trying to bag flies.
Like putting socks on a rooster.
Piece of cake every bit pissing upwards a rope.
Failure
He blames everything on the weather or his raising.
He got defenseless in his own loop.
He came close to the dollar pocketknife.
Smart
Bright equally a new penny.
Smart as a hooty owl.
No flies on my mama.
Smart as a whip.
Impaired
If a duck had his encephalon, information technology would fly northward for the winter.
He doesn't have enough sense to spit downwind.
If he was bacon, he wouldn't even sizzle.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
He carries his brains in his back pocket.
Dumb equally dirt.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Dumb as a barrel of hair.
Dumb as a post.
Dumb as a carriage cycle.
Dumb as a prairie dog.
Dumb as a watermelon.
He doesn't know "come here" from "sic 'em."
He doesn't know enough to pound sand down a rat hole.
He tin't ride and chew at the same time.
And so stupid if you put his brains in a bumblebee, it'd fly backwards.
If all her brains were ink, she couldn't dot an i.
If all his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
He don't know which stop'southward upward.
He don't know a widget from a whangdoodle.
He don't know nothing from nothing.
He don't know diddly squat.
He couldn't pour piss out of a boot with a pigsty in the toe and the directions on the heel.
If he had a brain, it'd die of loneliness.
So thick-headed you tin can hit him in the face with a tire iron and he won't yell till morning time.
He could spiral up an anvil.
Vanquish
He gave me the wire-castor treatment.
I got sandpapered.
I'll snatch y'all bald-headed.
I'll whip you like a redheaded stepchild.
I'll knock you plumb into side by side week.
He got his tail feathers trimmed. He's been saucered and blowed.
He sure cleaned your plow.
Unacceptable
Not what I had my face stock-still for.
Like hugging a rose bush-league.
Nothing to write home near.
That canis familiaris won't hunt.
I'd simply as soon seize with teeth a problems.
I don't cotton fiber to it.
Confused
Dislocated every bit a goat on AstroTurf.
My tongue got caught in my eyeteeth and I couldn't see what I was saying.
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
He ran 'em around the barn.
Cattywampus to Miss Jones's.
Immoral, Wild
They telephone call her "radio station" because anyone can selection her upward, especially at dark.
He's wilder than a peach orchard boar.
Loose equally ashes in the wind.
Loose as a bucket of soot.
Wilder than an acre of snakes.
She uses her canvas for a tablecloth.
He was born on the wrong side of the blanket.
She'due south found a new dasher for her churn.
They ate supper before they said grace.
They planted their ingather earlier they built their fence.
They're hitched but not churched.
They've got a cotton wool-patch license.
Pregnant
She'south got a bun in the oven.
She's sitting on the nest.
She's got 1 in the chute.
She's been storked.
Citified
Raised on concrete.
Doesn't know a scrap from a butt.
Y'all don't live longer in the city; it just seems that way.
Noisy
Noisy every bit two skeletons dancing on a can roof.
Noisy every bit a restless mule in a tin can befouled.
Noisier than cats making kittens.
Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
Louder than Granddad'southward Sunday tie.
He called his hogs all nighttime. (Snored.)
He learned to whisper in a sawmill.
Inept, Worthless
He could fall up a tree.
Couldn't ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
He couldn't knock a hole in the wind with a sackful of hammers.
And then bad at farming he couldn't heighten Cain.
He couldn't hitting the floor if he fell out of bed.
Handy as hip pockets on a grunter.
Worthless as teats on a balderdash.
Worthless as a sidesaddle on a sow.
Not worth spit.
He couldn't organize a pissing contest in a brewery.
Useless as 2 buggies in a one-horse town.
He could spiral upward a two-car funeral.
Tie a quarter to it and throw information technology abroad, and y'all can say you lost something.
He'southward got no more than risk than a June problems in the craven coop.
He's a day late and a dollar curt.
He can't win for losing.
He'southward sucking hind teat.
I need that like a tomcat needs a trousseau.
She'due south itching for something she won't scratch for.
Why close the befouled door after the horses are out?
No more proficient than an eyeless needle.
Like warming upward leftover snow.
Like pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
Like sweet-talking the water out of the well.
Expert, Happy
Sweeter than stolen honey.
Sweeter than baby'southward breath.
Sweeter than an onetime maid'south dream.
He took to you like a hog to persimmons.
He took to you similar a fish to water.
Happy as a boardinghouse pup.
Happy as a clam at high tide.
Happy as a squealer in mud.
Condom as Granny'southward snuffbox.
Fair to middling.
Pert as a cricket.
Soft as a two-minute egg.
All wool and a m broad.
I'm cooking on a forepart burner today.
If I felt whatsoever better, I'd drib my harp plumb through the cloud.
If I felt any better, I'd think it was a setup.
Fat and sassy.
All sweet and light.
This is so good information technology'll brand childbirth a pleasure.
Fine as frog fur.
Fine as dollar cotton.
Fine equally boomtown silk.
Fine every bit foam gravy.
The porch light is e'er burning.
Long equally I got a biscuit, yous got half.
Distance
Downwardly the road a piece.
A fur piece.
Turn left past yonder.
I won't say information technology's far, but I had to grease the wagon twice earlier I hit the primary road.
Two hoots and a holler away.
Lazy
He hangs out more often than Mama'due south washing.
He's like a blister—he doesn't testify up till the work'due south all done.
Shy
Shy as a mail-society bride.
Shy as a crocus.
Shy as sapphires.
Dark
Equally dark as the inside of a wolf.
Nighttime equally bury air.
Dark as a pocket.
Dark as a cow.
Night as a bluish norther.
Night as the devil'southward riding boots.
Night equally truck-stop coffee.
Handy
Handy equally sliced bread.
Handy equally shirt pockets.
Handy as a latch on the outhouse door.
Deficient
Scarce as hen's teeth.
Scarce as grass effectually a grunter trough.
Scarce as rain barrels.
Wearisome (as a knife)
You could ride all the way to Large Jump on it and never separate a hair.
Information technology wouldn't cutting hot butter.
You could scratch your back with it and never draw claret.
Dull (boring)
Equally exciting as waiting for paint to dry.
As heady every bit a mashed-potato sandwich.
As much fun as chopping forest.
Deadening as Henry'southward bone.
Miscellaneous
Independent as a grunter on ice.
I don't know yous from Adam'south off ox.
Thick as the dew on Dixie.
Thick as fleas on a farm canis familiaris.
That's two different buckets of possums.
Things are going to hell in a handbasket.
Come hell or high water.
Lord willing and the creek don't ascent.
I don't intendance if information technology harelips the governor.
Serious as the business stop of a .45.
Baptists and Johnson grass are taking over.
He's so deadening he could gain weight walking.
Out like Lottie's eye.
Source: https://www.texasmonthly.com/being-texan/more-colorful-texas-sayings-than-you-can-shake-a-stick-at/
แสดงความคิดเห็น for "You Slap Me Again Im Gonna Throw You a Beating"